An Answer or a Question

How did I happen to arrive here, in a human body, on planet earth? Leaving open the question of where and what I was before I arrived here – I now find myself in a place called space and time. I don’t know about you but for me the trip hasn’t been easy.

Sometimes I intimate that I had some precognition that coming here would not be a picnic. But for some reason that I can’t remember I signed on anyway. Any prior knowledge of what I was in for got wiped clean by the shock and awe of the entry process and its immediate aftermath. I mean wow! To be dropped into a social phenomena in full on freak out mode. Here I am, weighing eight pounds, totally helpless, unable to do anything for myself. I’m dependent for survival on a couple of messed up, barely functional characters that can hardly take care of themselves much less a newborn baby. They call themselves Mom and Dad. And they managed somehow, screwed up as they were, to keep me alive. Physically alive – but the psychological trauma was overwhelming. I’m still dealing with the residual defensive programs I created to protect my mind from the onslaught of their terrifying behavior.

I know something similar must have happened to you too. I haven’t met anyone here who, if they are being open and honest, doesn’t cop to having found themselves in a similar situation. Of course most people I meet are in total denial/defensive mode. So they are not and cannot be open and honest. They are functional – if you can call it that. But their network of unconscious defensive behaviors doesn’t allow for open meaningful communication. Either they have found refuge in some God the big, perfect father religion. Or they are lost in a state of perpetual frenetic activity based on acquiring things and having pleasurable experiences.

This begs the question – what is the purpose of my being here? So far no clear answer has come to me. My best intuition is that I am involved in some sort of learning process. I am discovering that this space/time dimension must be some sort of classroom. Is it a classroom where I am being exposed to experiences that can provide information about the nature of my self?

Buddha said that the origin of suffering was desire. Desire for what? I have this feeling that there is something just out of reach and that if I only possessed it everything would be OK. The nagging uncertainty would be erased and I would be at peace. Jesus, in a more Zen like mode, says get over it - the Kingdom is at hand – it is within you. What impulse, what motivation, gave Jesus, Buddha and all the myriads of saints and prophets the energy to reach out to those around them? What did they expect to accomplish? Buddha’s followers have written thousands upon thousands of words trying to convey the essence of something beyond words. Jesus left behind a few confused people who saw their dream of the Kingdom on earth evaporate like a fog in the heat of the day.

What is that something that is so hard to communicate? Is it impossible to communicate? Is that something waiting patiently. It has always been there and always will be there – hidden in plain sight. Waiting for someone to recognize it. Talk, scream, jump up and down – no one will listen. Oh go on, the Kingdom of God is within me? I don’t think so. And I have so much to do. Do you have a sermon? A tape I can listen to? I like what you are saying, you should write a book. Then I can read about this Kingdom you’re talking about. I’ll find time; I’ll get around to it. And I’ll think about it too. Honestly I will.

I have my flute. It channels the music that flows without hesitation, without pause. The music that has always been there in the wind blowing though the trees and the birds announcing a new dawn. Is it just beyond reach or already here? Does the music have the answer? Or does it simply pose a question? Are the questions a progressively expanding state of awe that in itself contains the only answer? Have a nice day and fulfill the promise.